This is my first diary. I'm writing this as much for cathartic reasons as I am trying to warn. I've lurked here for well over a decade and love this site and the people. The first, and likely rambling part is about my current state of affairs. I simply don't have anyone I can vent to so here I am. I don’t want to worry or burden them. I pray this will do some good as things are very dark for me at the moment. I'm not asking for sympathy, empathy or anything else; just to speak my mnd. If that bores you, just skip down to the last paragraph or two for my reasoning on how this election may not be wrapped up as many here believe.
I'm a 57 year old man from blood red NE Arkansas but Democrat all the way. Been a relatively successful businessman for 34 years until recently. I owned a brick and mortar video / game store for over 29 of those years. Started selling at conventions like Comicons, anime cons and so forth 2 1/2 years ago. Video games, comics, vintage toys, etc. Things went great so I closed the store last year (should've closed it years ago but I feared change and uncertainty- it was basically breaking even). The past 10 months or so, business has dropped by as much as 75% at most conventions. It's not just me; fellow vendors are having the same problem. Many are just quitting and getting regular jobs. I cover several states so it's not just a local thing. People show up but simply aren't spending. Groceries have almost doubled and never returned to normal- everybody is broke. I'm actually taking a break from listing things on the internet to sell to write this.
I had a job for 3 weeks at a factory that makes nuts and nails. Basically I shoveled those into baskets, dipped them in nitric acid solution then dried them. It's called the acid room and has the highest turnover at the factory by far. They were astonished I showed back up the second day. One of the bosses told me this is shitty work that's usually done by "20 year old crackheads." Very physically demanding work but I didn't mind. The pay was low (14 per hour) so just got a job at a place I swore I'd NEVER work- a chicken slaughter/packing house- starting tomorrow. I've always hated seeing those chicken trucks going through town to the factory. Cruel and inhumane. But here I am becoming a janitor on third shift at age 57 in the type of place I despise. Soul-killing. The reason is, it pays 16 per hour and I work 30 and get paid for 40. That way I can get a second job in the daytime.
My home is always on the verge of foreclosure and my nerves are so bad my legs are covered in huge hives and have been for months. Had to sell my Dad's shotgun he left me but that's ok, he'd understand and I don't hunt anyway. Sold my Kia Soul last month so now all I have is my convention cargo van that's eating me alive on gas. I'm selling things I swore I'd never part with but I tell myself it's just "stuff" so it's ok and I guess it really is.
Fried generic Spam and white bread for most meals but I have been experimenting with beans and rice lately- good stuff. Thought about hitting up the local food bank but I know there are people far worse off than myself that need it more. I actually went dumpster diving behind the local donut shop and scored a few breakfast sandwiches last month. (They were safe in a clean, fresh garbage bag and had just been dumped.) Wasn't going to mention that but what the hell- may as well let it all out. I'm worried about losing some of my utilities this month. Always worried. I have a convention in two weeks that I paid for last year and hope that'll make a bit of money so there's that.
I've had this thing since I was a child- when things were bad I would envision pure darkness and right in the middle there would be a tiny, super bright white light. Spark of Hope- silly I know but that's what I saw. I still see the darkness but haven't seen that spark of hope for a few months now. It was there when my parents passed, when I lost friends and family, when the Great Recession nearly wiped me out, when my wife left me for another (wealthier) man. Now that spark is gone. Hope has been my strong point for my entire life and now it's just gone.
I often wish I would just die in my sleep, and yes, I have dark thoughts every day. No worries though- I'm scared I'll go the hell if I do it. And I can't do that to my family and friends. Not happening. But I don't know if things will get any better. It’s very ironic as I was the school class clown and known for always being cheerful and helpful; always there with a smile. Now I act like Wednesday Addams. Can't talk about any of this locally but I can sure as hell post anonymously on KOS and get all this off my chest lol!
Well, that was the boring carthartic part. Don't know if I feel better yet lol.
Here's the warning part. A helluva lot of people are living paycheck to paycheck. That’s always been the case but it’s moreso now. Many of them, including myself, were doing great just a year ago. I'm on the ground with them and see and feel the frustration first hand. I've read about price-gouging and "greedflation" but most of these people haven't. I realize I'm in the south and my opinion won't carry a lot of weight on this site but as I mentioned, I do travel to several states in all directions and it's the same. Here on KOS, we know that Biden is doing a fantastic job. But the people all around me are blaming the person in power for their misfortunes as they always have and always will. I fear Trump may pull this off because of all the ignored people in my situation. They're pissed and desperate. A different type of "Silent Majority." Trump will destroy everything good about this country and the damage won't be limited to the US alone.
I tend to believe that many of the people on this site are more educated and at least somewhat more affluent than the average citizen. If such is the case, please be aware that there's a strong uncurrent of resentment and blame seeking in formerly middle and lower middle-class people that find themselves in the same boat as I am. And there's lots of them and I’m afraid many here are not seeing them. Ignore them at your peril! And for the sake of this country and the entire world, get as many people to vote as possible!
Thanks for letting me vent. I actually do feel a bit better :)