Dear Little Brother
If you'd lived through Viet Nam, who would you be now? For one thing, you'd 69 years old, still six years younger than me. I still giggle when I remember how , as a child, you really believed you could catch up with me, age wise, and end up being my older brother. :) But you didn't make it past 21.
I got a phone call from Mom. She was in tears because you had decided to enlist, against her wishes, and wanted me to come home and talk some sense into you. I tried. I tried very hard, and failed. You'd been dreaming about becoming a soldier your whole life. All you wanted was a chance to defend your beloved country. You could not/would not hear anything we said about the war over there: serving country was your North Star, nothing was going to change that.
After basic and before shipping out, they let you come home for a week. How absolutely splendid you were in your dress uniform, so tall, so handsome, so strong, so confident. Our home life had been such a mess, and I'd never seen this side of you before. A part of me was almost grateful that you found a way to shine out like that.
My last memory of you was at the back yard picnic we held for you. You were standing tall, with one of my little girls in each arm, both waving little American Flags. Somehow. at that moment, I just knew I'd never see you again. Three weeks after landing in Nam, you were dead.
I wonder. if you'd have lived, how much of this lifetime we could have shared. I wonder how it would have felt to be able to call you up and ask you to come over to fix something I couldn't fix. I wonder how much richer my daughter's lives could have been, if you'd been here to comfort them, when their Daddy died?
I wonder if you'd have become a chef like you always wanted to? I wonder if you would have found a partner to share life with as a proud gay man. I wonder how grand it would have been if you were here to celebrate being finally able to marry your beloved?
Such a great life you could have had. One that we could have shared. The rage I've carried all these years has cooled enough to be endured, but I know it will never be entirely gone. Not when day after day, I see wars just going on and on and on that profit the greedy at the expense of precious lives of ordinary folks. But that needs to be set aside for now, in favor of telling you that you are not forgotten, and how much I love you still.
And who knows. If there's some sort of life after this earthly death, it's getting closer for me every day, and I really would love a chance to be with you again.
See you later, little brother.